PolackJokes.com

PolackJokes.com is not meant to offend anyone in any way. These are jokes that could apply to any group of people or none at all. If you consider such material offensive, do not scroll down to the jokes below.

If you would like to submit a joke to us please do so and include a link to your web site and we will add that link next to your joke. Not all jokes submitted will be use as they must be somewhat clean and be approved by the owner of this site.

Also visit our site PolackTest.com and take the test to find your intelligence on the subject matter.


Polack Jokes
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A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Polack joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Polish." Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Polish." The bartender finished, "Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Polish, too." The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times."


How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.


There was a man sitting in the middle of the road singing 53 53 53 53. A Polack comes out to where the man was and said, what are you doing? The man motioned him to sit down. The Polack did and started to sing with the man, 53 53 53 53. The man got up when the Polack was to caught up in singing and moved to the side of the road. A semi came speeding down the highway and the Polack was ran over. The man came back out, moved the dead Polack into the ditch. She sat down, and started to sing, 54 54 54 54.


What does it say on the bottom of Polish Coke bottles?
"Open other end."


"Have you heard the Polish knock knock joke?"
"No."
"Say `knock knock'."
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"


A Polish man is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", he tells himself. So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer." The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Pole responds, "What's that noise?"


These two Poles are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"


A Polack decided to commit suicide by hanging himself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted him hanging from the tree. He asked the Polack what he was doing and he replied,"I'm hanging myself." Your supposed to put the noose around your neck not your waist." said the onlooker. "I already tried that," replied the Polack, "but I couldn't breathe."


A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, "I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock the shit out of you." "I'm sorry, it was all in good fun," replied the comedian. The polack retorted, "I was talking to little asshole on your knee."


A 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland.
Polish officials have so far retrieved 4000 bodies.


A polack goes into a hardware store and tells the sells clerk "I need some 4 by 2's." The sells clerk asks, "Do you mean 2 by 4's?" The polack says, "Hold on a second." He goes outside for a moment then comes back in and says, "Yes, that's what I need, some 2 by 4's." The clerk asks him, "How long do you need them?" The polack says, "Hold on a second." and goes back outside for a moment upon returning he says, "We need them a long time. We're building a house."
Submitted by: Water Garden Vista


A Polish man went to a carpenter and asked, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Pole, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."


Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned; they couldn't get the tailgate open.


Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.


How can you tell a Polish neighborhood?
By the toilet paper hung out to dry.


A Polish, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Hoot, Hoot, Hoot..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."


A Polack walked in to a pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza man asked him, "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight?" And the Polack answered, "Cut it into six; I couldn't eat eight."


A Polish man saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Pole scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Pole replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"


Why were the Polish troops sent to Iraq all women?
They thought it was the battle of all mothers.


How do you sink a submarine full of Polacks?
Knock on the hatch


A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Hey, have you heard the latest Polack joke?" The bartender replied, coldly, "No. And I'll have you know I'm Polish." That's O.K.," said the man, "I'll talk slow."


Why don't they make ice in Poland?
They lost the formula.


A Polack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $50 he's going to jump." The Polack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Polack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before." "That's O.K.," said the Polack, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!"


The first Polish spacecraft was put into orbit with two astronauts. One of them took a space walk to repair something on the exterior of the spacecraft. When he was done he knocked on the airlock's inner door. And the other Polack asked, "Who's there?"


A Polish man was walking down the street carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his buddies, who asked, "Hey! What's in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The Polish man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."


Why couldn't the Polack change a light bulb?
All he had was a twenty-dollar bill.


The first prize in a certain contest was a week in Poland. The second prize was two weeks in Poland.


Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.


Two polacks were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and his friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


Sign on a toilet seat protector dispenser: "Polish T-shirts."


Why do Polish airplanes fly so low?
So the pilots can read the street signs.


Did you hear about the polack who hijacked a submarine? He demanded $200,000 and a parachute.


The Polacks were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Pollack jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington. When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.


What did the polack say when he opened a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds."


A Polack got a fishing rod for his birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning he got all of his gear and headed out. When he reached his destination he cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly he heard a voice that said:"there's no fish in there". So he moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told him there were no fish there. So he moves again and the voice tells him there are no fish there. So he looks up and see's a man looking down at him. "How do you know there are no fish there?" So the man cooly says "Well first of all this is a hockey rink and you're going to have to pay for those holes.
Submitted by: BarBQPorkRibs.com


A police officer stops a Polack for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


What's the most popular Polish fast-food restaurant?
Booger King.


How to keep a dumb Polack occupied:
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Did you hear about the gay Polack?
He slept with women.


Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.


Did you hear about the Polack family that froze to death at a drive in theater?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."


A Polack came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"


How many Polack jokes are there?
One—the rest are all true!


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